Moulin Rouge Goes to Broadway
by The Lark
Summary: What happens when Moulin Rouge is written with theater songs. Ultimately stupid


Moulin Rouge Goes to Broadway-Dun dun DUN!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Moulin Rouge or any other musical. Please don't sue-you won't get much out of it anyway.  
  
Baz Luhrmann: I am pleased to announce that a stage version of the movie-musical Moulin Rouge will be premiering on Broadway and the West End this year. It will still have the same cast. However, in order to make it more suited to the new audience, I have changed a few of the songs. Now, instead of pop hits, the musical will be laced with Broadway songs more familiar to theater goers. Stop looking at me like that!  
  
  
  
THE CURTAIN RISES:  
  
Christian: *alone in his garret* This story is about love. The woman I loved is…dead. *walks over to center stage* But love…*begins to type*  
Love changes everything…  
hands and faces  
earth and sky.   
Love, love changes everything.  
How you live and how you die.  
Love can make the summer fly  
Or a night seem like a lifetime  
Yes love, love changes everything  
Now I tremble at her name  
Nothing in the world will ever be the same…  
  
Michael Ball: *in audience trying to mask his jealousy of Ewan* Hah! He's not so much!  
  
Christian: *settles into his garret* I came here in the summer of 1899 to write about truth, beauty, freedom, and that which I believe in above all things, love.   
  
Girls in audience: *sigh lovesickly*  
  
Christian: There was only one problem-I had never been in love! But luckily, right at that moment, an unconscious Argentinean fell through my roof  
  
*Toulouse and the Argentinean enter*  
  
Toulouse: Sorry about that. We've been upstairs putting on a play. It's called Don Juan Triumphant.  
  
The Phantom of the Opera: *looks down on the actors from the rafters of the stage* Are they plagiarizing me? *gropes in his pockets for Punjab lasso* Well, they can kiss their chandelier goodbye! *cuts down light fixtures*  
  
Christian: And the next thing I knew, I was upstairs standing in for the unconscious Argintinean!  
  
CUT TO TOULOUSE'S GARRET  
  
Toulouse *dressed up in an old-fashioned ball gown* Past the point of no return! No going back to…um, line?  
  
Christian: *looks a little disconcerted*  
  
Audrey: No, no, all wrong, you stupid midget. You're messing up my show!  
Shows should be more pretty…  
Shows should be more witty…  
Shows should be more…  
What's the word?  
  
Christian:  
Gay?  
  
Audrey: *glowers* Shove a sock in it, nature boy!  
  
Toulouse: It isn't my fault, Audrey. This song sucks.   
  
Audrey: You have a better one?  
  
Toulouse: *jumps on that suggestion*   
They laugh at me, these fellows  
Just because I am small  
They laugh at me because I'm not a hundred feet tall  
I tell 'em there's a lot to learn down here on the ground  
The world is big but little people turn it around!  
  
Audrey: Don't quit your day job  
  
Toulouse: Well, how about if I sing something about the hills instead?  
  
Doc: The hills…  
  
Satie: The hills…  
  
Argentinean: The hills…  
  
Christian: *tosses his head back and sings*   
Past the point of no return!   
The final threshold!   
The bridge is crossed  
So stand and watch it burn!  
  
*Everyone but Audrey applauds*  
  
Toulouse: Wow! Audrey, you two should write the show together!  
  
Audrey: What! Screw this-I'm going somewhere where my brilliance will be appreciated! *falls through hole in the floor*   
  
Toulouse: Well, now that that's all settled, we'll have to take you to Satine so you can impress her with your poetry.  
  
Christian: *uncertainly* Uh…  
  
Toulouse: *is already helping him into the Argentinean's tuxedo*  
  
The Green Fairy: *shoves absinthe down Christian's throat* This will clear your head!  
  
Christian: *typing* And so we were off to the Moulin Rouge, where I would perform my poetry for…Satine.  
  
CUT TO THE MOULIN ROUGE  
  
Wealthy Customers:   
The heat is on in Saigon…uh, Montmarte  
The girls are hotter than hell  
And still at midnight the party goes on  
A goodbye party in he-e-e-ell!  
  
Satine: *swings down on trapeze and begins to dance among the customers*  
Now…lets…BRING ON THE MEN  
And let the fun begin  
A little touch of sin  
Why waste another minute?  
Step this way  
It's time for us to play  
They say we may not pass this way again  
So let's waste no more time  
Bring on the men!  
  
Linda Eder: *scowls at Frank Wildhorn* I can't believe you let her have my song!  
  
Frank Wildhorn: *didn't hear her. Too busy staring at the scantily clad Nicole Kidman*  
  
Nini: Who-hoo! I have a solo now!  
They aren't nice  
They're mostly noise  
They swear like men  
They screw like boys  
I know there's nothing in their hearts  
But every time I take one in my arms  
It starts…  
The movie in my mind…  
  
Satine: *dances over to Christian and whirls him out onto the floor*  
My name's Satine  
I like you Chris   
  
(A/N Well, that was easy! They even have the same name!)  
  
*a solo saxophone begins to play*  
  
Zidler: *calls down to the nervously shaking Christian*  
What's going on?  
You don't like her?  
  
Christian: *about to choke on his own tongue*   
Uh… yes I do…  
  
Satine:  
I like him too  
  
Zidler:   
Take her away  
  
Satine:  
Take me away  
Don't say a word  
Just come with me…*leads him away to elephant*  
  
CUT TO THE RED ROOM INSIDE THE ELEPHANT  
  
Satine *writhing dramatically on the floor* Naughty! Oh, yes! Don't stop! Yes! Yes!  
  
Christian: *petrified and confused* I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do *clears throat*  
A heart full of love!  
A heart full of song!  
I'm doing everything all wrong!  
Oh God, for shame…  
I do not even know your name! *pauses* Wait a minute. Yes I do! Her name is Satine!  
  
Baz: Shut up and continue!  
  
Christian:  
Dear Mademoiselle!  
I am lost  
In your spell…  
A heart full of love!  
A heart full of you!  
The words are foolish but they're true!  
Satine! Satine! *pauses again* So now I DO know her name?  
  
Alain Boubil: *whispers to Claude-Michel Schonberg* Is that Scotsman mocking my genius lyrics?  
  
Schonberg: *snickers* Ha! The joke's on you! I paid him to do it! Nobody steals top billing from Claude Michel Schonberg and gets away with it!  
  
Satine: *smiles dreamily at Christian* Wow…I'm in love with a young, handsome, talented duke!  
  
Christian: Duke? Huh?  
  
Satine: *groans* Not another bohemian!  
  
The Duke: *bursts into room* What!? *glares at Christian* Try and steal my hooker, will you? You're dead!  
  
Bohemians: *flood into room* No! We're rehearsing!  
  
Zidler: Yeah! Spectacular Spectacular!  
  
Toulouse: Well, actually, our new writer has changed it a bit  
  
Christian: *smiles wickedly* Don't worry, Monsieur Zidler. I've been backstage talking to the Phantom. He gave me a few tips on getting investors. *advances menacingly on the Duke*  
I have written you an opera!  
Here I bring the finished score;  
"Don Juan Triumphant!"  
I advise you to comply  
My instructions should be clear  
Remember, there are worse things than a shattered chandelier!  
  
The Duke: *backed up into a corner like the cowardly rat he is* Uh, you have yourselves an investor!  
  
Christian: *typing* And the bohemians had a show. But all I could think about was her  
  
CUT TO CHRISTIAN"S WINDOW  
  
Christian: *sigh*   
In my life!  
She has burst like the music of angels!  
The light of the sun!  
And my life seems to stop as if something is over   
And something has scarcely begun!  
  
CUT TO SATINE IN THE ELEPHANT  
  
Satine: *sigh*   
A new life  
What I wouldn't give to have a new life  
One thing I have learned as I go through life  
Nothing is for free along the way  
A new start  
That's the thing I need to give me new heart  
A new dream -  
I have one I know   
that very few dream.  
I would like to see   
that overdue dream -   
even though it never may come true!   
A new love -   
though I know   
there's no such thing as true love -   
even so,   
although I never knew love,  
still I feel that one dream  
is my due!   
  
Audience: *sniffles*  
  
Linda Eder *glares* That's it! This girl is toast!  
  
Christian: *scrambles up elephant and taps Satine on the shoulder* Sorry!  
  
Satine: Agh! Oh, it's you again.  
  
Christian: Yes-I…wanted to-to uh, thank you for getting me the job…and I-I-I was wondering…When you thought I was the Duke, you said you loved me…and---I wondered if it was…  
  
Satine: Just an act?  
  
Christian: Yes  
  
Satine: Of course. I can't fall in love *looks sad*  
I don't know how to love him  
What to do, how to move him  
I've been changed  
Yes, really changed  
In these past few hours  
When I see myself  
I seem like someone else  
I don't know how to take this  
I don't see why he moves me  
He's a man  
He's just a man  
And I've had so many men before  
In very many ways…  
He's just one more!  
  
Christian: But a life without love, that's terrible!  
  
Satine: Being on the street, that's terrible!  
  
Christian: No! Love is like oxygen! Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong…Love  
Love changes everything!  
How you feel and what you do!  
What-what would you say to me  
If I told you…I loved you?  
  
Satine: *smiles sadly*   
Then, I'd have to say to you  
You are bright, and sweet, but foolish!  
Yes love, love changes everything  
But not always for the best!  
Love can sometimes be a most unwelcome guest!  
  
Christian: *takes Satine in his arms*   
You don't believe that  
You know you're fooling yourself  
Why not be honest?  
Satine, be honest…  
  
Satine: You're going to bad for business, I can tell  
  
*They kiss*  
  
Andrew Lloyd Webber: *rolls happily in a big pile of money* Royalties! Sweet royalties!  
  
Christian: And we were all as happy as clams, until…  
  
The Duke: Alright, Zidler, the deal was that if I'm to fork over the big bucks, I get to sleep with Satine.  
  
Zidler: Uh…  
  
Warner: *assumes menacing stance*  
  
Zidler: *slinks out of room in a cowardly fashion* Whatever  
  
The Duke: Heh heh heh! Nobody says no to the Duke, right Warner?  
  
Warner:  
No…one…plots like the Duke!  
  
The Duke:  
Takes cheap shots like the Duke!  
  
Warner:  
Plans to persecute star-crossed show-folk   
Like the Duke!  
  
The Duke:  
Yes, I'm endlessly, wildly resourceful…  
  
Warner:  
As down to the depths you descend  
  
The Duke:  
I won't even be mildly remorseful…  
  
Warner:  
Just as long as you get what you want in the end!  
  
  
The Duke:  
Who has brains like the Duke?  
  
Warner:  
Entertains like the Duke,  
Who can make up these endless  
Refrains like the Duke!  
  
The Duke: *paces the Gothic Tower, laughing evilly*  
  
Satine: *sighs wearily* I really hate that rodent *trudges up to the tower*  
  
Christian: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CUT TO CHRISTIAN TYPING THE STORY  
  
Christian: She had gone to the tower to save us all, and we could do nothing but wait  
  
The Argentinean: Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself! It always ends BAD! *goes over to Christian*   
It seems to me a strange thing  
Mystifying!  
That a man like you   
Can waste his time  
On women of her kind  
Yes, I can understand that she amuses  
But…*glances at script* This solo is all wrong for an Argentinean!  
  
Don't cry for me, Argentina!  
The truth is I never left you!  
All through my wild days,  
My mad existence  
I kept my promise!  
Don't keep your distance…  
  
Christian: *frowns* That isn't helping!  
  
CUT BACK TO CHRISTIAN TYPING THE STORY  
  
Christian: Well, the good news is that Satine didn't sleep with the duke *shudder*. But unfortunately, he forced her to dump me.  
  
Christian: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Satine: *runs home crying*  
  
Zidler: *attempting to comfort her* Aw, Satine, it's okay…  
We can do it, we can do it  
We can do it, me and you  
We can do it, we can do it  
We can make our dreams come true  
Everything you've ever wanted  
Is just waiting to be had-  
  
Satine *wipes her eyes* Shut up, Harold  
  
Nathan Lane: Yeah, shut up! You're butchering my song!  
  
Zidler: *wanders through the Moulin Rouge, singing very loudly*  
Clichy Boulevard  
Twisting boulevard  
Secretive and rich,  
A little scary  
Clichy Boulevard  
Brutal boulevard  
Waiting there to swallow the unwary  
Clichy Boulevard  
Ruthless boulevard  
Destination for the stony hearted!  
Clichy Boulevard  
Lethal boulevard  
Everyone's forgotten how they started…  
Here on Clichy BOU-LE-VARD!!!!!!  
  
All the Diamond Dogs: *flinch and cover their ears*  
  
CUT BACK TO CHRISTIAN LYING IN THE STREET  
  
Christian: *sobs pitifully and begins to slog through the rain glumly*  
No pain could be deeper  
No life could be cheaper  
No point anymore, if I can't love her  
No spirit could win me  
No hope left within me  
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free  
But it's not to be  
If I can't love her  
Let the world be done with me!  
  
Terrence Mann: *looks annoyed* Oh well. At least he didn't steal any of my Inspector Javert songs  
  
Toulouse: Aw, Christian, don't be so depressed. She still loves you.  
  
Christian: *cries* GO AWAY!  
  
CUT TO CHRISTIAN TYPING  
  
Christian: But he had filled me with just enough doubt to return to the Moulin Rouge one last time…  
  
CUT TO THE MOULIN ROUGE, OPENING NIGHT  
  
Christian: *crawls back to Satine's dressing room* Aha!  
  
Satine: *backs away nervously* Well…hello…  
Christian: *begins to chase her, bitterly waving money in her face*  
I should have known where you were hiding!  
You like the good life!  
The Duke likes trinkets!  
God, what a fool I was to love you!  
What was all my searching for?  
It's never hard to find a whore!  
  
*Another pile of money falls onto Lord Lloyd Webber's head*  
  
Satine: *falls through curtain and onto stage crying*  
  
Christian: *throws money at Satine* I owe you nothing, and you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me *sniffle* of my ridiculous obsession with love  
  
Satine: *chokes back tears and begins to sing*  
I've been living to see you  
Dying to see you but it shouldn't be like this  
This was unexpected  
What do I do now?  
Could we start again, please?  
  
Christian: *melts, runs onto stage*  
I will never go away and we will be together every day!  
Every day…  
We'll remember that night and the vow that we made  
  
Satine:   
A heart full of love!  
A night full of you!  
The words are old, but always true  
  
Christian:   
Oh God, for shame!  
You did not even know my name!  
Dear Mademoiselle!  
I was lost…  
In your spell  
  
The Duke: *glares*  
She was never mine to keep  
She is youthful, she is free  
*picks up gun*   
  
It's a pity I have to kill her!  
  
Colm Wilkinson: *pushes him* You'll have to get through me first! *punches him in the face* Heh heh.   
Love is the garden of the young  
Let it be  
Let it be! *smiles to Ewan and Nicole* Carry on, kids!  
  
Christian and Satine: *embrace mushily*   
And it wasn't a dream!  
Not a dream  
After all  
  
THE CURTAIN CLOSES IN FRONT OF THEM  
  
Satine: *cough cough cough* Uh-oh *collapses*  
  
Christian: Satine! You're dying! *gathers her into his arms*  
  
Satine:   
Don't you fret, Monsieur, No-Last-Name  
I don't feel any pain  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt me now  
You're here  
That's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
And rain will make the flowers grow…  
  
Christian: *weeps*  
But you will live, Satine  
Dear God above!  
If I could heal your wounds with words of love  
  
Satine:   
Just hold me now and let it be  
Shelter me  
Comfort me…  
  
Christian: (in counterpoint)  
Hush-a-bye, my dear Satine  
You won't feel any pain  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt you now  
I'm here…  
  
Satine:  
That's all I need to know  
  
Christian:   
I will stay with you till you are sleeping  
  
Satine:  
And rain  
  
Christian:  
And rain…  
  
Satine and Christian:  
Will make the flowers…  
  
Satine: *dies*  
  
Christian: *sob*  
Grow… *sobs again*  
How…  
In one night…  
Have we come…  
So far? *the sobbing intensifies*  
  
CUT BACK TO CHRISTIAN TYPING IN HIS GARRET  
  
Christian:   
But love  
Love changes everything!  
Live or perish   
In its flame!  
Love will never, never let you be the same  
Love will never, never let you   
BE---THE---SAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
THE END  
  
Baz Luhrmann: *pats Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman on the back* Good show, people! Well done!  
  
*Everyone begins to congratulate each other, until an angry mob interrupts them*  
  
Baz: *studies faces* Wait a minute. Boubil and Schonberg? Anthony Warlow? Terrence Mann? Michael Ball? Linda Eder?  
  
Alain Boubil: *nods* We demand that you cancel this play!  
  
Baz: But the audience liked it!  
  
Anthony Warlow: Exactly! This is terrible!  
  
Michael Ball: They like it a little TOO much! Now all of mine and Anthony's crazed fan girls are leaving us for this idiot Scotsman! *glares at Ewan McGregor*  
  
Ewan McGregor: *returns glare* I guess I'm just hotter than you, you bloody Englishman!  
  
Anthony Warlow: *scowls at Ewan* I'm hotter than you are  
  
Michael Ball: *punches Ewan* And don't ever call me an Englishman again! *breaks into "Wales Forever"*  
  
Ewan McGregor: *jumps Michael Ball* You're dead!  
  
Anthony Warlow: *steps between them* Now boys, fighting won't solve- *He is punched by Michael Ball and Ewan McGregor simultaneously* That's it! Never mess with a former Enjolras! *jumps into fight*  
  
Baz: All of you stop! You're going to cause a scandal!  
  
Boubil: *punches Schonberg* And that's for trying to steal top billing from me!  
  
Schonberg: You stole it from ME first! *punches at Boubil but misses and hits Baz instead*  
  
Baz: *groans, clutching his bleeding nose* All I wanted was to tell a story through music!  
  
THE END  
  
Songs Used:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
*Love Changes Everything-from Aspects of Love  
  
*Keep It Gay-from The Producers  
  
*Point of No Return-from The Phantom of the Opera  
  
*The Heat is on in Saigon-from Miss Saigon  
  
*Bring on the Men-from Jekyll and Hyde  
  
*The Dance-from Miss Saigon  
  
*The Movie In My Mind-from Miss Saigon   
  
*A Heart Full of Love-from Les Miserables  
  
*Why So Silent?-from The Phantom of the Opera  
  
*In My Life-from Les Miserables  
  
*A New Life-from Jekyll and Hyde  
  
*I Don't Know How to Love Him-from Jesus Christ Superstar  
  
*Gaston(aka, the Duke)-from Beauty and the Beast  
  
*Strange Thing, Mystifying-from Jesus Christ Superstar  
  
*Don't Cry For Me Argentina-from Evita  
  
*We Can Do It-from The Producers  
  
*Sunset (Well, Clichy) Boulevard-from Sunset Boulevard  
  
*If I Can't Love Her- from Beauty and the Beast  
  
*Some song that doesn't have an actual name-from Aspects of Love  
  
*Could We Start Again, Please?-from Jesus Christ Superstar  
  
*Every Day-from Les Miserables  
  
*A Little Fall of Rain-from Les Miserables  
  
*Finale-Miss Saigon 


End file.
